I started this blog post talking about anxiety. This post was supposed to be a post that shows you're not alone if you have these feelings too. It was supposed to be a well thought out blog post. But then life took a turn and looking back on the last week, I am seeing Heavenly Father working magic in my life. If this blog post seems pieced together, that is because it kind of was.
I was driving to school and got stuck in traffic. I was talking to my mom on the phone with tears streaming down my face that I came to the realization that anxiety controlled more of my life that I thought. Spending an hour in a car not moving gives you a lot of time to think.
I've always known I had anxiety. That wasn't anything new. I also knew I had it a little bit more than other people. Everyone gets anxious and I see things on the internet proving that others have anxiety too. But I didn't realize how anxiety is a huge part of who I am.
Often I have turned to Heavenly Father to calm my troubled heart. He always comforts me in ways I never thought possible. When I was sitting in traffic, I turned off my radio and pleaded with Heavenly Father. I knew He was the only person who could help me. He was the only one that could bring peace at a time of such high emotions. It was an overwhelming time for me. I was in hysterics because traffic wasn't moving. But after praying, I felt peace in my heart. I knew that Heavenly Father was teaching me patience. He was teaching me to turn to Him when I knew I couldn't control my life. I recognized right away what lesson was being taught. I know I struggle with patience and control due to anxiety. But I had no idea why He choose that day to teach me. I didn't understand why I needed to sit in traffic for three hours, talking to my mom, Melissa, and God.
Fast forward to the end of the week.
April Fools Day.
I woke up and I was quickly getting ready for work because the water was being turned off. My sister was in the shower so I was in my old bathroom. These details aren't relevant, but they are moments I won't ever forget.
My mother called Jen and I to the bottom of the stairs. We both fought back asking why. (We were in a hurry to finish getting ready.) My mom said "Just come." We obeyed. I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I heard the news. We knew this day would come. We just didn't realize it would come so soon.
My cousin had passed away.
I slowly turned around and went back into the bathroom.
This wasn't an April Fools joke. This was real life.
We knew this day would come. She had stage 4 ovarian cancer. But they told us she would have 22 months to live. She barely made it 13 months.
I stood in the bathroom, staring at my reflection--trying to decide if makeup was even worth it.
At that moment, I knew I needed to rely on my testimony. I knew I had no control the situation. So what did I do? I prayed. I asked Heavenly Father to help me just like He helped me on Monday. Help me digest this information. I needed to know that is what needed to happen.
I watched General Conference and I felt so much peace. Elder Weatherford Clayton said that death of a loved one brings a sweet sadness. This is exactly where I was at. I was so sad that she left this earth so early in her life, but I was so happy that she isn't in pain. She was welcomed to heaven by my Aunt Karen. I knew right then that this plan that Heavenly Father has for us is the most beautiful gift. He cares so much about each of us.
I will miss Katie and her spunky personality. She had a zest for life that I have always admired. She was the most confident person I knew. Growing up I wanted to be like her. We would have sleepovers and she would try to teach me to be confident in my own skin. She gave me flirting lessons (obviously still needed) and we watched chick-flicks while comparing boy stories. My favorite movie we watched together was "He's Just Not That Into You." It's funny, when were first watched it, I wasn't sure if I liked it. But I watched it again years later and remembered all of Katie's favorite parts. I didn't know then that this movie would be one of my favorite memories of Katie. I have watched that movie so many times in the last year that I am not comfortable saying a number on the internet. When Katie found out she had cancer, she didn't complain. She didn't let cancer slow her down. She was still able to graduate with her Bachelors from Utah State and continue to Grad School in San Diego.
One more lesson I learned, and it is such a cliché but, tell the people you love that you love them.
Don't leave things up for interpretation.
Don't just let them assume that you love them.
Send a text, make that phone call, tell them in person. I don't care.
Just do something. Don't live a life full of "I'll do it tomorrow".
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In Loving Memory of Katie
You will be missed ♥ |
